The confused bride

There are many things in life over which you have no control at all. Marriage is "not" one of those things. You choose to get married or you don't- it's solely your own call (or at least that is how it should be). However, it's not as black and white as it looks like. There are times when you have no idea what it's all about, to be married, to take this giant leap of commitment and faith, to suddenly become a part of this whole new family, and yet you put all your confusions aside (perhaps for the time being) and gracefully plunge into this unknown thing called "marriage".

Yes, I belong to this weird confused category and it wasn't until I got married did I understand what it's all about.

It was the 5th of February, 2015, Thursday. 

They said it would be cold in Allahabad but it wasn't (thankfully), so when everybody was done smearing haldi on me I ran to the bathroom for a grand shower (unlike the usual reluctant winter showers). It was my big day after all. 

I was a little weary from the previous day's event-tilak-cum-engagement-cum-sangeet, all in one evening...

...so I decided to take a quick nap before my make-up session began but couldn't. Too excited! This reminds me, they also said anxiousness level rises sky-high on your D-day. I was anything but anxious. However, I was bridezilla like hell! There must be a limit to being bridezilla, some limit (I guess, I hope), and I shattered all of it. 

Nonetheless, as afternoon approached and as my dear brother, Ron arrived, all bitterness was forgotten and I was swept over by a cheery feeling, which lasted almost all evening (will get to the night later). And that was precisely why I got late for my make up, I was so glad that the family was complete that I didn't want to leave, ever! 

I wonder if anybody ever panicked as much as I did for their make-up. I mean of course it's that one thing that freaks the shit out of every bride but the way I created a ruckus I'm surprised my make up artist didn't stab me with a knife or anything. I must have repeated it more than a zillion times- "Please don't put too much makeup!" and there she was dabbing one thing after another on my face. Finally, I decided to trust her.

So, make up was done, hairdo complete, lehenga and accessories worn-and-I was late, terribly terribly late! Calls were coming from everywhere asking where I was, the baraat was almost at doorstep! However, somehow none of that mattered to me any more. There was never one single time in life when I wasn't late (except movies- I'm never late for movies! Ever!). Late for classes, late for office, late for bus, late in assignment submissions, late in collection handovers, late for make-up and now, late for my own wedding! Everything was just perfect! (I know it wouldn't make sense to you but in case it did, you know me well enough!)

I heaved a sigh of relief after my car crossed the baraat without anybody noticing me. And as it entered the gates, I can't tell you how amazing it felt to see all my close friends and family, everybody together.

I knew nothing could go haywire now! Not today! 

But alas, I was wrong!

As I walked down the aisle towards the stage I heard a shrill voice say-"WHERE IS THE JAIMAAL?" and then I hear everybody asking one another-"Where is the jaimaal?" The jaimaal had gone missing, and the worst part, it was handed over to someone in the bride's side. I later found out the real story and let me tell you, it's hilarious.

So, everybody in my family went berserk looking for this thing called Jaimaal, a term not very popular in Assam. This cross-cultural difference led to another problem, they were all looking for something they had no clue about. By the time they figured out what it was, the panic attacks had spread far and wide and where was the jaimaal? It was nicely safeguarded by one of dad's acquaintance right next to the stage. He was trying to make sense of the commotion but since he had this one important task to take care of the jaimaal, he didn't think it necessary to go and find out.

I know it's too crazy to be true but at last things were sorted and there I was, on the stage, exchanging jaimaal with Milind and flashing my best smile!

This went on for about an hour, followed by the couple shoots, an extravagant dinner and then- time for the real vows, the real marriage.

Dunno what it was, but by time I changed into my wedding dress (mekhela sador), I kinda lost it. Everybody banging at the door and yelling that it was getting late. Oh c'mon! Gimme a break! I'm tired of all the running around, and now I cannot even wear my mekhela sador at peace! 

But fact remained, everything has it's own time so-reality check-I hurried to the mandap and as I was walked (almost sprinted) down the aisle, they said- "Walk slowly. Brides don't walk like that!"-and that was when I completely lost it! 

I thought I wouldn't recover from it any sooner but I did and thank God I did.

Well, it was a quick marriage- something I always wanted!

I left to change into my vidaai sari while Milind struggled with my cousins and friends as he bargained for his shoes. I like this "juta-chupai" custom. 

What next? It was time to say goodbye and that was quick too, but this time it was on purpose. I have a tendency to run away from  emotional situations but as I reached the car that'd take me to my in-laws, I realised that there they were, my mom and dad, my brothers and sisters, and all my cousins, all together after a long time, and I couldn't be with them any more. I had to go! 

It took me a while to close the car door. One last glimpse and that's it! But it wasn't enough. My ma was crying and I had to leave her just like that. 

Yes, I had to.
SLAM! Door closed!
As a drop of tear ran down my cheeks once inside the car, it hit me that I'd meet them all in just 4 days! Then why the heck am I crying? And why the heck are they crying? I tried to make practical sense of it and I found that there was nothing to cry about. It's all the same, I just have another new wonderful family to share all my good and bad times with. So if there's something I should do, it's- CELEBRATE !!!!

Alright, alright! Celebrations apart, did I tell you how I came to understand what marriage is all about?

-No! 

-Am I going to tell you?

-No! 

-Why?

-'Cause there's nothing to tell. It's not some (as one of my professors used to say) rocket science that you read and learn about. It's an endless learning process and for me it's just been over a month of experience.

Too many times in my life I've heard people say this to me (for obvious reasons)- "Why are you so lost and confused?" 

First, it was my teachers at school, then professors in college, bosses in office, some unimportant acquaintances, some important acquaintances and now, some more important and unimportant acquaintances. Well, I know for a fact that I'll never get rid of this daunting curiosity amongst people about my forever-lost state but I'm glad I know the answer, not for anybody else but for myself. And it is as simple as it can be. I'm lost because that's my nature, that's who I am, and as long as I don't have a problem with it, I doubt anyone else should.

Am I deviating from the topic in a colossal way? I guess I am. So back to topic!

Well well well, you can be confused about everything "BUT" it's absolutely essential to be sure about one thing-the guy you're marrying; that that's the guy you'd want to stick around with no matter how unbearably irritating he gets, no matter how overly sweet he gets, no matter how insanely mad he gets, no matter how foolishly romantic he gets, no matter how unduly demanding he gets....NO MATTER WHAT! Rest everything will just work out fine :)

Hence, it's not always bad to keep your apprehensions aside and just go with the flow!

And hence, it's not always bad to be "The confused bride!" (wink!)

(Photo credits: Crafting Emotions-Piyush Tanpure)